An Open Letter

On By TheTravellothonerIn Life

Insecurities – Overthinking – Validation – Self Respect – Mental Peace – Love – Happiness.

Some very big words these, big enough to literally control huge chapters in our lives and yet, so easily and critically connected to each other like a series of dominos. Take care of one of these aspects in your life and everything else will slowly fall into place. If not, you still have one very solid pillar to lean on and keep working on others simultaneously.

Take it from the guy who excels at being insecure, overthinks and spirals all the time and drives himself crazy with hundreds of ‘what if?’ questions everyday. Who on a good day thinks all he needs is small joys and a grateful attitude to be happy and feels abandoned or is harmfully critical of himself on bad days.

The truth is, I have always been very insecure about myself. Insecure about the way I look, about the number on the weighing scale, about my grades and career, about the people in my life, etc. Some of those things are internal where nobody could’ve helped me and I worked hard and made a lot of progress over the years around it.

But a crucial part of my insecurity stems from the people I have or want to have in my life. Something I have no control over. An aspect I fail in miserably. To be honest, ‘miserably’ also seems like an understatement.

All I have ever wanted was to have just one person who’d have made me a priority over everyone else in their life. The kind of person who’d know when something was wrong without me having to say it out loud or who’d cancel their plans to be besides me on a bad day. Someone who’d have my back under all circumstances or tell me when I was wrong and help me take the right path at the same time. A person so close, that not seeing them for a week would seem like an eternity. Maybe like a childhood best friend (never had one of those).

It’s not just about having such a person, but also being that person in someone else’s life. I don’t know about other people, but it makes me, personally, very happy to know that I add some value to someone’s life or am their go-to guy. That they can trust me with everything. Basically, I just want to be wanted and liked.

I realise it’s too much to expect these things off someone and I’d never put that weight on someone. But it’s okay to want something and be a little selfish, right? The worst part is not being able to control these insecurities and throwing your mind into an overdrive over the tiniest, silliest things. It’s almost pathetic how I once saw this one person I really like meet her other friends and post about it on social media and that sent me on a spiral for 2 days.

And that’s where the chase for validation comes into play. You just want someone’s validation or attention of your existence and your actions. Get enough validation and it’ll keep your insecurities at bay. For me, this is where all my troubles actually begun.

I used to think being really nice and friendly to people, doing things without expectations or being there for someone without being asked to would be the traits of a decent human being. But the hard truth is, these are only things that look good as morals off a Panchatantra story or Aesop’s Fables.

I thought it was nice to be sensitive too. It helped me empathise with my people, help them, support them, be there for them emotionally, etc. It never occurred to me that this would come at a cost. A cost that was way too high for me to personally pay. Having a sensitive response to every kind of stimulus not only adds some extra weight on your shoulders each time, but it also irks some people because it dogs them with “How can one be so nice?”, “He’s definitely got his own agenda” or “something’s not right about this guy”, kinda questions.

Insecurities led me to chase validation, which further led me to take some unethical or wrongful ways and I hurt a lot of people in the process, which in turn hurt me more cause I always wanted to do the opposite of hurt the people around me. What I failed to realise was I was also invading someone else’s personal space which wasn’t the same as mine.

I pushed my boundaries and tried to be too familiar to people and although with the best intentions, I failed to realise they never wanted or ever asked for my help. All in all, this is just a recipe to push people away. When that happened, I felt all the more abandoned and thus creep in the insecurities and the circle keeps growing, but only getting bugger with each round. The bigger the insecurities, the harder the chase for validation and the more pushing people away.

What hurts the most is that I may have successfully managed to push this girl that I really really like away. Someone that I care so deeply for and want to have around for a long long time. The kind of person I’d dream of being together with. Someone who has a lot of space to grow into this wonderful human being but is already phenomenal.

That’s my story. It’s not over yet, but as much as being hopeful helps, it hurts too!

-The Travellothoner

38 thoughts on “An Open Letter”

  1. We all feel that way.. Want other’s validation…these expectations r very tricky.. They bring dissapointment more.avoid this..just try to do something which you love most because secret of happiness is something to do..

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  3. I can so relate. There are no cut and dried answers, just a willingness to grow in strength and wisdom and to keep learning about ourselves so that we can better relate to others. It’s a long and painful journey for most of us traveling through this mean and ugly yet awesome world in which we live. But, for those of us with anxiety disorders have to work twice as hard to gain some sense of control over our thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it hurts so much we just want to crawl in a hole and die. But, we can’t do that. There’s way too much to live for. Just know, that you are not alone. Thanks for sharing your story.

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  5. I can totally relate to what you’re saying cuz I’ve been there myself. Pushing people away is unfortunately one of my specialities and because of it I did lose a friend….. Well I can’t tell you what you’re supposed to do and what you’re not supposed to do but from personal experience, as long as you don’t bear any ill will towards them, the right people somehow always find a way to stick around . Try not to overthink things too much ( which is a very hard task to do, trust me I know ) cuz things will work out just fine, just let everything take its course at its own time.

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  8. hmaxwell217

    I could have easily been the author or the story today. I live in insecurities. I hate it. I’m trying to do better. And I do, do better a little everyday. You to will do better. I promise. Keep writing you’re doing better already

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  9. Ah, validation. I’ve thrived on it, starved from its absence, and at nearly 50, I have yet to overcome the need for it. I validate your vulnerability and you have certainly validated mine. Whether you get the girl or not, you are always worthy.

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  11. We all (well, most of us) want Validation, but if that’s your driving force you’re heading in the wrong direction. Before you can be important in someone else’s life, you have to be important to yourSELF. so many times I’ve seen people struggle to be noticed, to fit in, to the point that they force themselves into being someone they are not. You have to become secure in yourSELF to be happy. Find out who you are, grow from that into the best YOU you can be, and you will draw the right person to complement and appreciate you.
    Good luck!

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  12. consultrn

    As you can see from all these caring responses, you are not alone. You have been honest and have done some hard work here. Stay the course and you will see the results you need.

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  13. When I read your story, I feel a sense of familiarity as I experienced something quite similar with a guy I tried very hard to please so as to get his validation. It was to the extent that I violated his personal boundary. I took me at least 3 years to move on. It hurt a lot but now I am more emotionally independent. I feel that it needs to take a great heartbreak for me to grow better emotionally. I hope good things will happen on you:)

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  15. Khamsin

    As someone who has never had a relationship in my life, this open letter really struck me. I am lucky enough to have found someone. We met a month ago and we are still talking. I can say now that my insecurities are peeling away bit by bit. Then this pandemic happened and we are now separated. It’s funny how life can be such a trickster. But I’ve held on, still holding on. Like you, I have felt that nobody really knew what it felt to be as insecure as I was. Believe when I say that there are a lot of people who feel just as you do. And some, far far worse. Please persevere.

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  16. I love the development of your thought process here. As a very relationally-driven person as well, I can identify with these vicious mental and emotional cycles. One thing I’ve learned is that, although we as humans are designed to connect to one another, another human can never fully meet our needs– and neither can we fully meet another person’s needs. Only once we have relationship with the ultimate Designer of relationships and Author of humanity, will we find our deepest needs met. And then we will be free to love others without asking them to fill a void that no human can fill.

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    1. Shiloh, nice sharing here. I totally agree with you. There are no two persons who are exactly the same. We think and feel differently. That’s why we need to learn the arts of communication while keeping in mind the greatness of our all time Lover high above all of us.

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  19. Wonderful and very honest writing. I can personally say after two horrible and so called marriages I am not of value to anyone. . . but myself. The only thing that seems to give me value is my poetry. If I didn’t have that I would would still be drinking, among other things. I figured out in life if I have no self worth to myself, then I will be of no worth to anyone. I have learned over the years that I am no worse or better than anyone, just the same. Because God created us all equal. The richest man on earth or the person living in the street do not have any more value. We are just humans just trying to survive in an ever changing world. One might have more to eat and have a better roof over their head, but their soul is not any more or less important and neither is their value as a human being.

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  20. Haha!! You are using words like ‘boundaries’ and ‘validation’. You are doing a good work already. Of course, I can relate to this! And I bet most of people can relate to this. Only a few people have an inherently strong self concept, rest have to build that up. And seeking a little validation is okay. Sometimes, it’s needed because in isolation, you tend to lose touch with reality. I just learnt who to seek it from. All the best!

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  21. Pingback: Mental Health – Site Title

  22. Wow, your open letter is so relatable for they speak of every human’s cravings. I had a great time reading both your articles and the comments. I kinda like to see what happens next as i wish you more love on your journey!! Keep writing kiddo, you are doing some gret things here!

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  26. There’s nothing wrong, ever, with being a nice person. I like to live by the Golden Rule: treat others as you would like them to treat you — if you do that, by treating others with respect and kindness, you have done your part to make the world a better place. If people don’t treat you well in return, that’s a problem at their end, not yours. but it’s important to understand that their actions may be influenced by an issue in their own lives you’re not aware of. And it’s been my experience over many decades that someone special comes into your life when you least expect it, so don’t lose hope 🙂

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  28. “And that’s where the chase for validation comes into play. You just want someone’s validation or attention of your existence and your actions.” The absence of this (from someone I like), is what’s giving me anxiety these days. Crazy. Was just about to finish this poem I’m writing:

    Should I allow you?
    To keep me waiting patiently
    Like a dog waiting for your slightest attention
    Could you drop more fraction of your time
    To show me same level of affection?

    Should I allow you?
    To make me think
    Your world is more complex than what I have
    And so when you’re seriously facing it
    You could be distant
    Does that mean your attention I must not rob?

    And it kinda dawn on me, I must just be too inside my self-concerned head and asking too much from this man who’s trying the best he can to reassure me everyday.

    Thanks for this!

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  29. Hello, I think your blog might be having browser compatibility issues. When I look at your blog site in Safari, it looks fine but when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some overlapping. I just wanted to give you a quick heads up! Other then that, terrific blog!

    Liked by 1 person

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