Insecurities – Overthinking – Validation – Self Respect – Mental Peace – Love – Happiness.
Some very big words these, big enough to literally control huge chapters in our lives and yet, so easily and critically connected to each other like a series of dominos. Take care of one of these aspects in your life and everything else will slowly fall into place. If not, you still have one very solid pillar to lean on and keep working on others simultaneously.
Take it from the guy who excels at being insecure, overthinks and spirals all the time and drives himself crazy with hundreds of ‘what if?’ questions everyday. Who on a good day thinks all he needs is small joys and a grateful attitude to be happy and feels abandoned or is harmfully critical of himself on bad days.
The truth is, I have always been very insecure about myself. Insecure about the way I look, about the number on the weighing scale, about my grades and career, about the people in my life, etc. Some of those things are internal where nobody could’ve helped me and I worked hard and made a lot of progress over the years around it.
But a crucial part of my insecurity stems from the people I have or want to have in my life. Something I have no control over. An aspect I fail in miserably. To be honest, ‘miserably’ also seems like an understatement.
All I have ever wanted was to have just one person who’d have made me a priority over everyone else in their life. The kind of person who’d know when something was wrong without me having to say it out loud or who’d cancel their plans to be besides me on a bad day. Someone who’d have my back under all circumstances or tell me when I was wrong and help me take the right path at the same time. A person so close, that not seeing them for a week would seem like an eternity. Maybe like a childhood best friend (never had one of those).
It’s not just about having such a person, but also being that person in someone else’s life. I don’t know about other people, but it makes me, personally, very happy to know that I add some value to someone’s life or am their go-to guy. That they can trust me with everything. Basically, I just want to be wanted and liked.
I realise it’s too much to expect these things off someone and I’d never put that weight on someone. But it’s okay to want something and be a little selfish, right? The worst part is not being able to control these insecurities and throwing your mind into an overdrive over the tiniest, silliest things. It’s almost pathetic how I once saw this one person I really like meet her other friends and post about it on social media and that sent me on a spiral for 2 days.
And that’s where the chase for validation comes into play. You just want someone’s validation or attention of your existence and your actions. Get enough validation and it’ll keep your insecurities at bay. For me, this is where all my troubles actually begun.
I used to think being really nice and friendly to people, doing things without expectations or being there for someone without being asked to would be the traits of a decent human being. But the hard truth is, these are only things that look good as morals off a Panchatantra story or Aesop’s Fables.
I thought it was nice to be sensitive too. It helped me empathise with my people, help them, support them, be there for them emotionally, etc. It never occurred to me that this would come at a cost. A cost that was way too high for me to personally pay. Having a sensitive response to every kind of stimulus not only adds some extra weight on your shoulders each time, but it also irks some people because it dogs them with “How can one be so nice?”, “He’s definitely got his own agenda” or “something’s not right about this guy”, kinda questions.
Insecurities led me to chase validation, which further led me to take some unethical or wrongful ways and I hurt a lot of people in the process, which in turn hurt me more cause I always wanted to do the opposite of hurt the people around me. What I failed to realise was I was also invading someone else’s personal space which wasn’t the same as mine.
I pushed my boundaries and tried to be too familiar to people and although with the best intentions, I failed to realise they never wanted or ever asked for my help. All in all, this is just a recipe to push people away. When that happened, I felt all the more abandoned and thus creep in the insecurities and the circle keeps growing, but only getting bugger with each round. The bigger the insecurities, the harder the chase for validation and the more pushing people away.
What hurts the most is that I may have successfully managed to push this girl that I really really like away. Someone that I care so deeply for and want to have around for a long long time. The kind of person I’d dream of being together with. Someone who has a lot of space to grow into this wonderful human being but is already phenomenal.
That’s my story. It’s not over yet, but as much as being hopeful helps, it hurts too!