I have been meaning to write about this since a couple of weeks now. 2019 has been very different for me on a lot of levels, especially when it comes to the kind of person I’ve turned out to be so far. I am going to bare my soul in this post (you have been warned).
So as it turns out, all through my life, I have always been at war with myself, trying to better the previous version of me and what I sense for myself is that my life has taken a complete turn. From being a guy who used to be an introvert, always anxious to step out of the house and meet new people; I’ve gone on to become the total opposite, an extrovert and I look forward to being put in new situations and meeting new people.
To do justice to this topic, there are some things one should know about my past. Right until I was 19, I was a very insecure human being with most of it sourcing from my weight and body, back then. It wasn’t body shaming that affected me cause it wasn’t thrown at me too much, as much as the fact that I did not like the guy I saw in the mirror and was so uncomfortable in my own skin. In a way, I had become toxic for myself.
If it makes you wonder how one can be toxic to himself, keep reading!
I have always held myself accountable for my actions and the kind of person I turned into. There isn’t a bigger critic of me than myself, and the critic in me was shouting his lungs out, based on the way I was handling my life. The horrible eating habits, The “I don’t give a shit” attitude, The bad company, The average grades, etc.
I knew I was better than that and yet, my life was in a state of autopilot where it was just going to crash and burn. And then came the biggest change : Running.
I ran a marathon, loved it and I loved myself for doing it. This was a big change for me in a lot of directions.
I didn’t remember the last time I loved myself. I didn’t remember the last time something made me this happy. I had no idea I could do something if I really put my mind to it. It dawned on me, that it was so easy for me to control my destiny. More importantly, for the next few hours and days, I did not hate myself. And god knows how much I fucking needed that.
One small win, the tiniest victory and I knew my life was never going to be the same again. Thus, started my journey to getting better, and it took me all of 3 years to write this post. 3 years of hard work, self-care, self-love, sacrifice to get me to a point where controlling my destiny, finding my happiness and being comfortable enough to talk about it.
To be continued…
Ps. You can read part 2 here : A second life – Part 2
Part 3 : A second life – Part 3